I am writing this blog post on the morning of the 11th of June, exactly 6 days until I see Mon Capitaine in Hawaii!!
This is a prelude to our goodbye in Hawaii and I will very likely write another goodbye post once I return and then y’all will have a comparison for the fantasy versus the reality….Ya know….The difference between what I think is going to happen versus what actually happens!!
I mean, I know there is going to be a hell of a lot of fucking going on, that is a given, and I am almost certain that along with some much needed fast hard fucking there is going to be a lot of tenderness, touch, kissing and love…..But it’s what comes after that scares me!!
So y’all know about MaM and some of the fucked up situations regarding her right?!
Well a long time ago MC told me that he felt like MaM came into his life for a reason, my response to him was that perhaps the reason was for her to help him get over me because I felt strongly even way back then that MaM was going to be the cause of our breakup.
Below is a little synopsis of how I feel MaM has affected our relationship.
- The ONLY time Mon Capitaine has ever lied to me was related to MaM
- Our first fight any many subsequent fights have been because of MaM
- When I was having a major emotional crisis My Captain purposely ignored me because he was busy with MaM (not even for sex, he was helping her with her work)
- “My Captain”The Man I love has been hurt, rejected and treated very poorly by MaM
- His reactions to her actions have affected OUR interactions on many occasions
- Mon Capitaine put a ban on me ever mentioning her name which left me hurt and bewildered
- My Captain said some very mean and hurtful things to me when he was drunk becauset of his personal feelings of hurt and rejection in relation to something MaM had done
- Mon Capitaine told me that small petite blonde’s like MaM are his Kryptonite
- MC admitted to me had had more feelings for her than he had realized
- In the lead up to Hawaii during my medicine fuck up and my current anxiety Mon Capitaine’s time has been limited. While I am really grateful for his help when I was on the train on Friday it has been an extremely tough weekend and his availability has been spasmodic to say the least, mostly due to his work but a LARGE portion of his time has been spent helping MaM do HER work because she lied to him about her ability to do the job so he has to pick up the slack and teach her how to do her fucking job
Most all of the crap above is old shit and in the past and whilst MC and I have resolved these situations and make up sex is in order in Hawaii the basis and grounding for my issues with MaM are still there!!
I totally know and recognize that I am probably a little too obsessed about MaM but when I look at the facts and logically analyse the situation I really do not think that my weird obsession is unrealistic or unreasonable….I just don’t know how to stop it…And because I don’t know how to stop it MaM has ended up being directly or indirectly responsible for “Mon Capitaine” and I needing to transition from lovers to a friendship long before I am ready…..!!!
MaM totally and completely fucks with my head and I know that for my own mental health I have find some way past “being stupid in love with The Captain” to being his friend….!!!
I know that I cannot continue to allow myself to feel the pain, hurt, anxiety and confusion about My Captains interactions with MaM and I have to accept that she is around for a LONG time because of their working relationship and because of this I feel like my only option is to give up my lover so I can be his friend.
I need the courage, the strength and the willpower to stand in the airport on my last day in Hawaii, kiss “My Captain” sweetly and soundly and say “Goodbye lover, hello friend”