Reality check….The aftermath!!

I am not even sure where to start. I am not even sure that I want to write this….It all seems so…so..personal!! I know right?! What’s the deal, I can talk about piss and poop and ass sex yet this is too personal!!!??.

I guess before I start I would ask ya’ll not to judge  The Captain….This is my story so you are only getting one side (my side) of the events….Besides, we all don’t really know The Captains motivation and to judge without his side or all the facts would be unfair. So while I really appreciate all of your comments, care and support ya’ll have given me while I have been on this shitty arsed fucked up long distance love story I ask if ya’ll could please refrain from making any disparaging comments against The Captain because despite everything that happened I still love his stupid arse!!

My biggest fear with our trip to Hawaii was that MaM would turn up at the airport or find some way of preventing The Captain from turning up. The Captain promised me on numerous occasions that MaM was not going to turn up in Hawaii and that he would be there…..He did show up, as scheduled,  right on time….But so did she!!!

Not physically,  she did not step out from behind him at the airport like she did in my dream nightmare but she was there on our vacation with us. She texted him every day mostly on the pretext of work but inevitably the conversations turned personal.

For a long time now I have felt like The Captain was not being honest with me in regards to MaM and then I would get really mad with myself for not trusting him.  Ya see jealousy and lack of trust had a significant impact on my past life….For 20 years I was on the receiving end of not being trusted along with extreme jealousy despite the fact I had never done a single thing to earn that lack of trust so with this situation with MaM and The Captain I was constantly beating myself up for having those feelings and doubts…..But it turned out that my feelings were justified and warranted and I should have listened to my gut and my instincts….It turned out that many occasions when I felt that The Captain was lying to me about MaM he actually was….It is a very long story and I will spare you all the sordid details but the short version is that The Captain had several personal text conversations with MaM some of which contained comments about me that I felt were just plain hurtful and ended up exposing that there were occasions he had lied. We ended up having a fight on my fucking birthday of all days!! We got through that but then he chose to have another lengthy text conversation with her on our last day where once again he said hurtful and personal things about me to her…..So!!! That was our long awaited reunion vacation totally fucked up by MaM’s intrusion and The Captains choices.

I cannot even begin to describe the depth of my hurt…I honestly don’t believe The Captain fully understands just how damaging his choices and actions have been….Sure he has apologized and I sincerely believe that he IS sorry he hurt me but sadly it doesn’t change anything and right now I am clueless at how to recover from this.

There have only ever been 3 men in my life who have been critically important to me for one reason or another. My first husband, long complicated story but at the end of the day he is the father of my 3 children. My second husband, again long complicated story but he was my soft place to land and I loved him….And then The Captain, the first and only man that I have ever been IN love with, I mean truly IN love… With every fiber of my heart and soul ……All 3 of them betrayed me with lies.

The foundation of the relationship with me and The Captain has always been based on honesty, it is what drew us together in the first place and was something that I knew I could always rely on with The Captain…..or so I thought!!…

It’s funny how people or events can have an effect on a person and cause them to lose part of themselves and act in ways that are not at the core of who they are…I feel like The Captain has lost part of himself when it comes to MaM…There have been many times in the last couple of months where I did not recognize him in regards to his reactions, decisions and interactions with her…He often said she was his Kryptonite, maybe she will be his undoing, who knows….I still love him enough to hope he does not lose any more of himself or even worse his self respect as he continues whatever relationship he chooses to pursue with her.

As for me…..It is safe to say that I am absolutely gutted that what was supposed to be my best birthday ever and our wonderful bittersweet goodbye lover, hello friend has been forever tarnished by MaM and unfortunately I have totally lost confidence in any ability I will ever have again to place my trust in a man…..Any man ever again.

The Captain wrote this blog for me last June 2017 but did not post it until December, his hope was that he was “leaving something behind”
It’s true, he taught me a lot about love, relationships and how a woman deserves to be treated and I will never take that away from him but sadly…right now, all I can think of is at the finale..when it was time to transition to friends…..my unwillingness to ever trust a man again is what he has left behind!!!

The Captain and are still  friends, I hope we will always be friends and we are helping each other through that transition from lovers to friends. The last couple of days I thought long and hard about a “do over”. Ya know planning another vacation together and trying to do our “big goodbye” again but with more success. By yesterday morning I was convinced that it was what I wanted needed to do but after talking to The Captain I realized that it probably was not a good idea after all. I would not be able to plan it until October and I sincerely could not do another 4 months of a long distance love affair while MaM was in the picture and despite that fact that I had 2 birthday candle wishes of which both times I wished “That MaM would go away” I realize that she is  not going to go away anytime soon!!

So no “do overs” for me…..I just have to find a way to get through this with as little damage to myself as possible

The book about our love story will never be written because no book should ever finish with such a shitty arsed fucked up ending!!!

 

33 thoughts on “Reality check….The aftermath!!

  1. I hate to like this. I’m so sorry you were hurt and that she couldn’t leave you two alone for this long goodbye lover hello friend time. But then I do not know how their relationship is. Only they do. I am just going to send you loving hugs and you know you are always welcome here.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. BLOODY HELL!! I am so gutted for you honey! You were SO looking forward to this for SO LONG… F*ck it. That’s so shitty.

    *takes deep breath

    OK, time to re-group. Yes, do NOT plan another holiday. Stay safe, and respect your boundaries. Clearly MC does not have as good a set of boundaries as we hoped, and MaM has no respect for either his or yours. What a shame she couldn’t give you two space, like a mature, open-minded adult, and stay away from the texting. That is such passive-aggressive sabotage- ain’t nobody got time for that crap!!

    In a way, she’s actually done you a favour: she’s showed you that sadly MC does not have as much honour and care as we thought before, and that you are obviously better off without this long distance connection. Don’t swear off all men for good though honey; MC WAS a fab guy, and you WILL find new ones… just take your time to get to know them, and listen to your instincts along the way. Big consoling hug and understanding, G xxOOO

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thanks G for your wise and supportive words as always. It has certainly made it easier for me to let go of The Captain. We still text and talk but no where near the level we did before. I miss him but I am finding it easier not to rely on his texts so much. I sometimes wonder is subconsciously this was his motivation..I asked him and he said no, I think he believes that but I still wonder if it was a sunconcious thing….Regardless of the motivation it still hurts.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m so sorry you’re going through this Jad- you’ve really had a rough time the last few months- I hope you can keep your chin up and at least enjoy your family and new job. Take care of yourself #1 ok? Hugs xx

        Liked by 2 people

      • This all seems to be the story of my life, I spent so much of my life waiting for the bad to happen when things were going good but the last few years have been working on not doing that, unfortunately I feel like this has taken me back a few steps but ya know I am made from stronger shit that this and I will get through it

        Liked by 3 people

  3. I found this really interesting and in support of the other comments, I’m genuinely sorry that you had to experience such heartache.

    However I speak as a man who has also made mistakes in my past, it’s very possible that your Captain feels remorse and the impact of his actions as well. Sometimes choices have to be made and I’m not sure that “love” alone is always enough.

    The transition from lovers to friends is going to be a tough one as there is no real precedent for such a relationship shift but I sincerely hope you can work through this. All the best.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I know he feels remorse, he has told me several times he is sorry he hurt me but right now it just doesn’t feel like enough. He promised me for months that my fears about what would happen in Hawaii would not happen and I was being a goofball and then it happened because of HIS choices. It is hard to get over that but I will!! Thanks for your comments

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You are certainly a better person than I am, coz there is no way I could be friends with someone who did that to me. I know it is not my place and not my life and I shouldn’t feel this way but I am so angry at MC for the way he’s treated you of late and especially on your holiday. You took so long to trust another man and he ended up throwing it back in your face. I have seen you struggling in the past few months and to get such a kick in the gut by someone who is supposed to love you on a trip to remember is just such a low blow. I know my anger is unjustified because it didn’t happen to me, but the fact is, he has hurt someone I care and love deeply and I am angry for the hurt he has caused. Sending you big hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

    • It is okay for you to feel that way, your right he did deeply hurt a person you love and if the tables were turned I am sure I would feel the same way you do so your feelings are not unjustified.
      I will get through this, I am made from stronger shit that this but it will be a LONG time if ever before I trust a man again. thanks for the hugs xxx

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Sorry to hear Jad. Men do silly things for their kryptonites. We’ve got one in our family . He keeps on going back to her even though she’s bad for him. No one could understand why?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I an so sorry things have turned out like this. Not at all surprised but sorry for the heartache you’re going through. Love is not enough, it’s never enough. Relationships are hard enough but long distance is just not doable. In the moment people say all the good things but the reality of being apart is very different. Whatever the situation with MaM the responsibility for behaviour lies with TC. He chose to act this way. Rebuild your life and move on…life is in front of us, not behind us. You’re too full of life not to live it to the fullest. ♥️

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you for your comments, you are so right that life is in front of us and I have learnt that lesson the hard way. I know I will get through this, I just do not see me being willing to trust again….3 strikes and its out!!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Oh, Jad! My heart breaks for you. I am sorry the trip didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped. It really, really sucks that your birthday was tainted, too!

    Thinking of you and wishing you peace in the aftermath. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I can make her disappear 😁 just say the word 😂😂 this is a total bummer to hear boogar. I’m so sorry, After all you’ve been through already. You did your time and then some in regards to heart ache. What a BITCH. Bothering him on his Vaca with you. Unless he wasn’t honest about where he was, then I take the bitch part back. NAWwwwwwww, nevermind. FUCK THAT BITCH for being apart of your pain. I would say FUCK him as well but you asked not to be mean to him so, I won’t 😂😂😂 go ahead and feel the pain mama. You have no choice. It’s ok. Just don’t live there too long. Remember who you are. Your MUTHAFUCKIN JAD!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU 😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Damn I love how you say it like it is!! Reminds me of someone I know! Honestly they are BOTH responsible for what happened…I don’t think she ain’t ever going to disappear, I wasted two fucking birthing candles wishes wishing that she would just go the fuck away!!
      You are right, I AM the JAD and I got this!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. So sorry to read of this and I support the other comments made. My main addition is that I don’t think it’s possible to remain friends without a break first. As hard as it will be, a total break from all communication is my advice. If you choose to be friends after that, it may work. In the meantime, you can’t get over someone if they are there to rub salt into the wounds or make you think ‘what if?’ over and over. We will talk soon my friend xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is no salt rubbing going on, The Captain is remorseful for what happened and we are trying to get to a good place but I still cannot stop feeling like I was robbed of my happy ending…..There was never going to be a truly “happy” ending but I would rather be sad because our love affair ended than be sad because of betrayal. I am working through it and a “do over” might still be in the cards because despite everything I am still stupid in love with him

      Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t mean that anyone is deliberately doing it – I mean just by contact. Whether he is remorseful or not, that opportunity is gone. If he wants to make amends maybe a trip to Australia is in order, with no damn mobile phone 😦

        Like

      • It’s all very confusing to be honest with you I still feel like I need that contact with him…. unfortunately lovr is not a switch that I can just turn off…. the plan has always been for him to come here at Christmas time but honestly who knows what the future holds

        Like

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