I am not even sure where to start. I am not even sure that I want to write this….It all seems so…so..personal!! I know right?! What’s the deal, I can talk about piss and poop and ass sex yet this is too personal!!!??.
I guess before I start I would ask ya’ll not to judge The Captain….This is my story so you are only getting one side (my side) of the events….Besides, we all don’t really know The Captains motivation and to judge without his side or all the facts would be unfair. So while I really appreciate all of your comments, care and support ya’ll have given me while I have been on this shitty arsed fucked up long distance love story I ask if ya’ll could please refrain from making any disparaging comments against The Captain because despite everything that happened I still love his stupid arse!!
My biggest fear with our trip to Hawaii was that MaM would turn up at the airport or find some way of preventing The Captain from turning up. The Captain promised me on numerous occasions that MaM was not going to turn up in Hawaii and that he would be there…..He did show up, as scheduled, right on time….But so did she!!!
Not physically, she did not step out from behind him at the airport like she did in my
dream nightmare but she was there on our vacation with us. She texted him every day mostly on the pretext of work but inevitably the conversations turned personal.
For a long time now I have felt like The Captain was not being honest with me in regards to MaM and then I would get really mad with myself for not trusting him. Ya see jealousy and lack of trust had a significant impact on my past life….For 20 years I was on the receiving end of not being trusted along with extreme jealousy despite the fact I had never done a single thing to earn that lack of trust so with this situation with MaM and The Captain I was constantly beating myself up for having those feelings and doubts…..But it turned out that my feelings were justified and warranted and I should have listened to my gut and my instincts….It turned out that many occasions when I felt that The Captain was lying to me about MaM he actually was….It is a very long story and I will spare you all the sordid details but the short version is that The Captain had several personal text conversations with MaM some of which contained comments about me that I felt were just plain hurtful and ended up exposing that there were occasions he had lied. We ended up having a fight on my fucking birthday of all days!! We got through that but then he chose to have another lengthy text conversation with her on our last day where once again he said hurtful and personal things about me to her…..So!!! That was our long awaited reunion vacation totally fucked up by MaM’s intrusion and The Captains choices.
I cannot even begin to describe the depth of my hurt…I honestly don’t believe The Captain fully understands just how damaging his choices and actions have been….Sure he has apologized and I sincerely believe that he IS sorry he hurt me but sadly it doesn’t change anything and right now I am clueless at how to recover from this.
There have only ever been 3 men in my life who have been critically important to me for one reason or another. My first husband, long complicated story but at the end of the day he is the father of my 3 children. My second husband, again long complicated story but he was my soft place to land and I loved him….And then The Captain, the first and only man that I have ever been IN love with, I mean truly IN love… With every fiber of my heart and soul ……All 3 of them betrayed me with lies.
The foundation of the relationship with me and The Captain has always been based on honesty, it is what drew us together in the first place and was something that I knew I could always rely on with The Captain…..or so I thought!!…
It’s funny how people or events can have an effect on a person and cause them to lose part of themselves and act in ways that are not at the core of who they are…I feel like The Captain has lost part of himself when it comes to MaM…There have been many times in the last couple of months where I did not recognize him in regards to his reactions, decisions and interactions with her…He often said she was his Kryptonite, maybe she will be his undoing, who knows….I still love him enough to hope he does not lose any more of himself or even worse his self respect as he continues whatever relationship he chooses to pursue with her.
As for me…..It is safe to say that I am absolutely gutted that what was supposed to be my best birthday ever and our wonderful bittersweet goodbye lover, hello friend has been forever tarnished by MaM and unfortunately I have totally lost confidence in any ability I will ever have again to place my trust in a man…..Any man ever again.
The Captain wrote this blog for me last June 2017 but did not post it until December, his hope was that he was “leaving something behind”
It’s true, he taught me a lot about love, relationships and how a woman deserves to be treated and I will never take that away from him but sadly…right now, all I can think of is at the finale..when it was time to transition to friends…..my unwillingness to ever trust a man again is what he has left behind!!!
The Captain and are still friends, I hope we will always be friends and we are helping each other through that transition from lovers to friends. The last couple of days I thought long and hard about a “do over”. Ya know planning another vacation together and trying to do our “big goodbye” again but with more success. By yesterday morning I was convinced that it was what I
wanted needed to do but after talking to The Captain I realized that it probably was not a good idea after all. I would not be able to plan it until October and I sincerely could not do another 4 months of a long distance love affair while MaM was in the picture and despite that fact that I had 2 birthday candle wishes of which both times I wished “That MaM would go away” I realize that she is not going to go away anytime soon!!
So no “do overs” for me…..I just have to find a way to get through this with as little damage to myself as possible
The book about our love story will never be written because no book should ever finish with such a shitty arsed fucked up ending!!!