Finally!! It’s time to write this…There will be no book, no movie, no happy ending…This is the greatest worst fucked up love story of all time but the ending could not have been more suck arsed bullshit if ya tried…Honestly, if I wrote a book about our love story and they turned into a movie people would storm the ticket counters at the end of the movie demanding their money back…nobody wants to watch an amazing awesome movie with a shitty arsed ending…..And The Captain did that….he did that to us and he did that to me.!
So here is the update, I had decided I really needed a do-over…I felt cheated of my ending and I wanted closure. I wanted to be sad and crying because I missed My Captain and our love affair, not sad and crying because My Captain betrayed me…So yes I wanted a fucking do-over. The Captain agreed but I could tell it was with hesitancy, I should have listened to my gut right then and there and realized a do over was a BAD idea but I had convinced myself this was what I needed so I started making plans for a trip in October.
The problem was through ALL of this I was still trying to understand WHY the Captain did this to me….Why the fuck do you hurt the person you love KNOWING it is going to hurt them.
I tried on 3 separate occasions to have a conversation with The Captain to try and understand WHY he did this to me…to us…!! And each time he had some bullshit piss-arsed reason which made no fucking sense!! Any you know what, generally when it doesn’t make sense it’s because it isn’t true!!
The first time he gave some wishy washy reason that MaM creates a calm in him….I call fucking bullshit on that, most of the time he told me she pissed him off regularly, made him mad, hurt his feelings etc so yeah really??! She creates a fucking calm in you? Bullshit, bullshit “cough” bullshit!!
Anyway after that conversation I constantly had a pit in my stomach most times when I thought of or talked to “The Captain”.
I felt like he was lying to me or lying to himself about why he did what he did and it was not much after this where we had a situation where once again the texts he was sending me about what he was doing at the time just did not make sense and then fuck me dead if he does not randomly meet Flo in home fucking depot of all places… Honestly I did not believe a fucking word he was telling me and basically asked him outright if Flo was MaM. He said it wasn’t but I did not believe him…….AND that my readers is the biggest problem of ALL and the big eye opener for me….I did not trust him anymore!!
While he was off fucking Flo or MaM I was considering the whole situation and realized that once trust is gone in a relationship there is nothing left and that we could have all the fucking do overs in the world and I would not get the ending and the closure that I wanted so I sent him a text letting him know I needed to talk to him as soon as possible in the morning. I needed to let him know I did not want to go ahead with the do-over…As it happened he had the same thought process and sent me a message pretty much saying that as much as he loved me he could not keep doing this……..So it was decided, no more long distance love affair and no do-over. All we could be for each other is friends.
The problem with all this is that I still needed to really understand WHY
I just did not fucking understand why he could hurt the woman he was supposed to love and because I did not understand it I started to really question myself and my own intuition. It got to a point where it was eating away at me inside, this lack of understanding and this feeling that I could never trust myself with my emotions, feelings, and most importantly my intuition again.
We had a second text conversation about MaM, this time was when I was walking to my office in the city, I ended up having to stop on the sidewalk and text a huge long rant about how pissed I am at him and how pissed I am at her and how they both stole so much from me. Honestly I vented and ranted and poured my fucking guts out to him and what the fuck did I get out of it….Nada, nothing zilch…. He said he was glad I got it all out and that it had been eating at me a long time but still no fucking answers and he shut me down pretty quick saying he had to return to work despite the fact that before I started he told me he had a while.
The third conversation was just a couple of days ago, I have actually been writing this blog post for a week or more now and keep coming back to add a bit more. Each time I feel like I am ready to write it there is a little more to the story….
So the final conversation was basically another rant but this time I told him I question his honesty and his integrity and that I found him hypocritical. I told him none of the shit he tells me makes sense.
How the fuck does he tell me she creates calm in him when she drives him crazy?!
How the fuck does he tell me he added her back to Facebook to maintain a professional relationship when he promised me he was totally done with her on any personal level…I call so much bullshit on that I could fucking fertilize my entire garden…I mean seriously for real? If you are telling one of your contractors you are ONLY going to have a WORK relationship with them you don’t add them to your fucking Facebook in the next sentence.
He sent me a long text one day telling me that she was crying to him on the phone because she was reading her texts and realized how shitty she was to him and he was telling her some words cannot be unsaid and some actions cannot be undone…. I am reading that and I am thinking “Really” fucking really!!!
He then goes on to tell me that he was really proud of himself for how he handled it and she knows that going forward they will only EVER have a professional relationship…!! It was within a few days of that she was back on his Facebook…
And you see this is the whole fucking issue…..I honestly do not give a RATS fucking arse about who he has on his Facebook….But I do care about the fact that he continually tells me one thing and does something different and I simply cannot cope with that shit anymore…I really can’t!!! ” Shit like this hurts and it cuts fucking deep.
But the 3rd and final excuse for hurting and betraying me is a doosey…it is the one that cut the deepest and hurts the most and I am pretty sure he said it without even thinking how much that would hurt me and how fucked up it really is.
So in this final attempt at helping me to understand WHY he told me he felt bad about lying to her about me and what we were going to do in Hawaii….He said he was trying to be the person he knows he is “honest” Not for her, not for me but for him. He was not trying to start anything back up with her…He was just trying to clear the air.
I responded with “So in order to clear the air with her you lied to me”
I received no response to that question and a short time later he shut me down once again telling me he had to go take a nap.
I mean really!!?? Fucking really??! In order to appease his fucking conscience about lying to her a so called piece of fucking arse….He lied to me!! The woman he was supposed to love…Honestly why didn’t he just take a fucking knife, stab it through my heart and rip it out!!!”
Let me tell you I was fucking pissed!!! Hurt, confused, and fucking pissed!! And I stayed pissed for hours!!
However!!! We finally got to talk last night and I think I finally got the peace and the resolution that I need. I don’t have answers…Well that is not true…I believe part of the answer is The Captain does not even really know himself why he did it. MaM has always been an enigma to him and that definitely has something to do with it!!
But our relationship in Hawaii was different even before MaM meddled and intervened and I told him that. It was then that he said probably the most honest fucking thing he has said to me in a long time. My leaving him in December to return home to Australia was fucking brutal…It was shitty for both of us and here it was going to happen again in Hawaii. I was going to get on that plane and leave him again.
I wish he had told me all of this…All those months I have been carrying on with him feeling like we were lovers and we were going to rekindle the flame in Hawaii one last time and instead he was preparing himself, guarding his feelings and building a wall.
The one thing he kept promising me over and over again was that his love for me was never going to change not MaM or anything else was going to do that…..But that was not true and was probably one of the hardest things for me to face!!
Woulda shoulda coulda and what if’s achieve nothing and I have learnt the hard way that in this life we cannot keep looking back…It is time, time for me to move forward and I realized this morning that it has finally happened.
I still love “The Captain” but I am no longer “in love” with him.
There is too much hurt to still be “in love”.
Sure, I still miss what we had, I miss our regular texting schedule, even though we still text and talk it is not the same… But what I don’t miss is the anxiety, the intensity, the questions and the doubt.
So goodbye “My Captain” I realize now that you have not been “MY” captain for a long time now and I am sorry it took me so long to recognize that!!
In time I think the hurt will subside and it will no longer be a focus of “what we have become” and I know there will come a day I will begin once again to cherish all the great adventures that we had.
We are no longer lovers, but I do hope we will always be friends!!
Just Jad…..No longer “your” Jad!!