OH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!
Can you believe it, I am back in again!!
Yep, I am wading through the murky ponds of PoF trying to catch a treasure, but right now all I seem to pulling up is bottom feeders!!
Honestly I do not know what it is about me or my profile but so many men who message me think that my profile means buy me dinner and then I will take you to my house to fuck!
Honestly it is such a fucking cesspool of romper room rejects and I have to wonder why the fuck I am even bothering to go through this crap again…..And then I think wait!! Yeah I know why…..Because I want sex, I miss sex, I love sex!!!….In the last month I have sex ONE time….fucking ONCE….This is ridiculous!!
BUT….Just because really really REALLY want sex it does not mean I want to go fuck any old charlie that buys me fucking dinner!!
I want the substance, I want the emotional connection….I want….. The fucking impossible!!
Date 1 : Toadstool
Don’t ask me why I chose his name, it just seems to suit him. He was a little creepy even before we met…I know, I know, why the fuck did I go out with him.!!!
D E S P E R A T I O N!!
Anyway he kept taking my photos from PoF and superimposing himself on my photos with his hands on my tits, up my dress, all kinds of places…I know right, fucking creepy!! I must be seriously demented in the fact that I even met with him…My only excuse is I must have slept funky and my brain went to sleep, you know how you sleep on your arm and cut off your blood supply, well I think I cut off my blood supply at my neck and my brain was OFF the job!!
The date was a fucking disaster, he was at LEAST ten years older than his photos, he drooled at dinner, I am not fucking kidding you drool ran onto his plate AND I got the worst stomach pain ever…It was probably my ulcer but I think what happened was my brain woke up and said “shit girl” what the fuck are you doing here.. Then immediately sent agonizing pain sensors down to my stomach so I would have to leave.
What then followed in the next couple of days was a series of very nasty texts from him accusing me of screwing him out of dinner…What dinner, I ate 4 fucking bites of food!!
Anyway lucky for me “I was the one that got away”!!
Date 2 : Scotty
Yep he was a Scotsman for real, dead sexy and bald!! We met for coffee on Wednesday just near my office and I really enjoyed the brief time we had. Conversation was interesting and ummm did I say he was dead sexy!!
Anyway we booked dinner for Friday night, we texted back and forth between coffee and the date but on Friday he sent me an odd text asking me how far a local hotel was from another suburb. I told him 10 minute drive and asked why and he said he was thinking of booking the hotel for the night because he has an early start in the morning. This was too fucking weird for words, he lives a 30 minute drive from me in good traffic, 20 minutes from his house to the job site, why the fuck would he book a hotel. When I questioned him he said oh yeah that makes sense, I won’t bother….The sneaky little fucker was hoping he was going to get lucky on the first date!!
So in our pre dinner texting I insisted on paying for my dinner, he texted me an hour before dinner saying he felt awkward splitting the bill in the restaurant and he would like to pay but if I insisted on paying can I give him cash after. I did not have any cash on me and no time to go to machine so I said look why don’t you pay this time and I will pay next time.
Anyway, we had a nice dinner, great conversation and great food, we had an after dinner drink at the bar and then he walked me to my car. He got in the passenger seat and we made out a little, well we made out a lot, in fact we steamed up the fucking windows. OMG can that Scotsman kiss!! He made a suggestion about going back to my house and I said no, I was not interested this early on so he said he was testing me and that if I had said yes he would not have taken me up on it…cough..bullshit..cough cough!!
So we scheduled a date for Sunday, a beach run date!! On Saturday we texted back and forth and then suddenly his texts started turning sexual so I sent him a response asking him to rein it in a bit and that he needed to slow down….I have not heard from him since!!! Nada, nothing zilch….crickets!!!
Once again…lucky for me “I was the one that got away”!!
Date 3 : Hakuna Matata
Another dead sexy dude though this time he was not bald. He had the sexiest scruffy facial hair and honestly the hair on his head was like a young kids that seemed to never be able to stay in place.
I talked to him a long time ago, before Mr Thursday and when I went back onto PoF we started to chat again but after my recent experiences I decided to take a weeks break, when I tried to go back online my PoF profile had been deleted. I strongly suspect date 1 reported me for cussing. Several times I used the words fuck, batshit crazy and pissed and each time I did it so PoF did not censor me…Anyway I revamped my whole profile and Hakuna Matata was all about yeah he doesn’t want easy sex or one night stands blah blah blah so we made a date for drinks
Dead fucking sexy accent (South Afrikan) and while I did not think it was possible his kisses were even better than Scotty’s. By the end of the date while snogging just outside my car I thought if I stand here kissing him much longer a wet trail will start running down my fucking leg….I wanted to fuck him, oh so badly did I want to fuck him BUT I held my resolve…I am done with ONE night stands!!! So I kissed him one last time, got in my car and drove home to BoB!!!
While I found him incredibly sexy and would jump his bones any day if I was looking for a fuck buddy I am not and beside lust we have nothing in common so I was going to have to find some way of letting him down gently….But he saved me the trouble.
So we have gone from texting multiple times a day to nothing, nada, zilch, crickets!!
And so here we are again, I feel so fucking Lucky “I was the one that got away”!!
2 years ago when I discovered that chocolate was NOT better than sex and I was a “horny fun loving, slightly quirky, batshit crazy woman who just turned 50” and was “Oh so fucking naive” I would have fucked both Scotty and Hakuna Matata with no hesitation BUT then I would have spent days feeling worthless, upset, shitty and confused when I did not hear from them again!!
Now with experience while I am still a fun loving, slightly quirky, batshit crazy self confessed nymphomaniac I have much better control of my libido (and I have BoB as a back up)
I am very fucking clear with what I am looking for and I am not going to settle for ANYTHING less than what I am worth!!
I have no self esteem issues in regards to Scotty and Hakuna Matata, I mean seriously these guys would not have kissed the way they kissed if they were not fucking hot for me!! But they did not get their prize and they knew that I was not going to be their latest “conquest” I have learnt how to play the game and I am not going to be a notch in anyone’s belt…. I may have to buy me a few more BoBs though because Mon Bob died and Gusto is getting a little worn out!!!