OMFG I am back on the dating merry go round!!
I have totally given up on the free sites! I have deleted my profiles from PoF and Oasis and have all but given up on RSVP…!! I mean RSVP is okay…..If I was looking for a sugar daddy, I am freaking serious I lost count of how many 60 to 70 year old men blew me kisses!! I scare myself because I look at their photos and I see my Dad..I mean not the looks but the age and then I think FUCK!! I am only 8 years away from being THAT old…I am freaking 52 and I don’t know how the fuck that happened. Seems like last year I was only 30 something!! So now I am thinking time is running out!! Seriously I do not want to be doing the online dating in a couple more years and having to choose from men who remind me of my Dad!!
So I did what any reasonable fun loving, slightly quirky, batshit crazy, self confessed nympho would do!! I paid for a 6 month membership to zoosk!!!! OMFG!!! they need to remove the SK off the end and just call it zoo because there are a bunch of fucking animals on that dating site!!
First let me introduce you to psycho chicken, not sure if you have ever heard the song but this guy was such a fucking psycho nut every time he sent me a crackpot message that song was going on in my head!!
Our conversation started out harmless enough, the dude was easy on the eyes, lived the next suburb over, could string a sentence together and had a full time job…so far so good right?! We exchanged messages over 4 or 5 days and then decided to meet for a coffee, we were not able to pin down a day due to commitments on both sides but decided on evening next week.
I had a date Thursday night with someone else and did not log onto zoosk, I logged in briefly when I was getting ready for work the following morning and had around 15 messages, I only had time to respond to a couple before I had to finish getting ready but then during my morning break at the office I logged on to respond to more messages and I got a freaky LONG message from psycho chicken complaining that I did not message him even though he saw I was online. I told him that I logged on briefly and had a lot of messages to respond to and I got to his message when I could. OMFG this guy then lost the plot!! He started going off about how I was cheating on him…I mean really “c’mon dude” cheating on him, we had not even talked on the phone let alone met!! What a fucking fruitcake!! He insisted that because he was messaging with me I should not have responded to ANY other message from men and that I should have been messaging with him exclusively…I am NOT shitting you this dude actually believed that this was how it worked and was deadly serious that me communicating with other men on zoosk meant I was cheating and he called me a scarlet woman with no morals!! He sent a plethora of short sighted rude messages mostly full of rubbish like he is glad he found out the sort of loose woman that I was before we go into a relationship because he could never have a relationship with someone as promiscuous as me. I ignored them for the longest time but they were relentless and they just kept coming so eventually I responded by telling he had some major trust and insecurity issues and suggested that he seek some professional help. All of a sudden his messages took a different turn and he was all apologetic saying that he is new to the dating sites and he has some relationship issues from the past!! (omg…really, what a fucking surprise!!)
Anyway the short end of the story is he went back and forth between wanting to try again with me and accusing me of cheating to which I told him I would not go on a date with him if he was the last man on earth and he SERIOUSLY needed professional help!!
I then blocked his freaky crazy arse!!
I was so freaking grateful we never exchanged phone numbers!!!
Next up on my list of crazies was a phone call from “CIA” (crazy in action) I met him on PoF back in January, had a phone call and thanked my lucky stars we never met. He was nucking futs!!! We spent over an hour on the phone with him telling me all about his secret life with the CIA and how he has sold the movie rights and blah blah blah. Anyway I told him I met someone and I never heard from him again until….fuck me dead I accidentally accepted a kiss from him in RSVP, we chatted a bit and I gave him my phone number and when he called it came up on my phone as “loser” with a picture of Lisa Simpson with an L on her forehead!! OMFG….So I made an excuse, got off the phone real quick and then the next day told him I met someone I had a connection with (which was kind of true as it was the same time as Mr No-longer)
Thursday I was driving home and my phone rang, no caller ID came through my car and I answered and fuck, shit, poop it was him!!! He said he was just checking in to see if I still had a connection with that guy and I said yeah we were going slow and testing the waters so he said okay and ended the call.
The next day I got a message from him on zoosk accusing me of cheating, he said PoF, RSVP, zoosk, looks like you are making rounds on all the dating sites, called me some unsavory names and said he never wanted contact with me again!!! Oh thank the flying fucking spaghetti monster!! Good bye LOSER!!!
Friday night another date RogerRude, this time we met for a drink at a local bar. I got there early (as usual) and I messaged him to say I was in the gaming room as there did not seem to be a bar area apart from the dining room. I played the slot machines for a little bit and then decided to go sit on some arm chairs near the bar area and as I did I walked past this dude who kind of sorta looked like him, I say kinda sorta because this dude was about 10 years old AND he was carrying a drink…Anyway he walked past me and then he came back around because it was him…..Who the fuck does that, who meets a woman at a bar but goes up to the bar first to get themselves a drink FIRST knowing the woman is already there waiting!!? I mean shit I can buy my own fucking drink but manners dictate you check in with the woman FIRST before you go get your fucking drink!! So not only was he a liar (10 year old pics) there was zero manners and zero connection. We had one drink and I could not get out of there fast enough. We left together, it was late and dark but the dude did not even offer to walk me to my car….What a fucking rude idiot!!
Saturday I get a text message asking if I was still dating “that guy” I was not sure who the text was from and I hate doing the “who is this” so I just responded while playing a little dumb, in the end this dude called me and and WTF it was Hakuna Matata!! I told him once again that I think we are looking for different things and then he spent the next 15 minutes pleading, cajoling and trying to convince me that he was my Mr perfect…..Mr perfectly fucking insane. I ended up having to give the hard line and say “look I am just not interested, please lose my number” Then I hung up!!
Finally lets talk about Mr Bojangles. Seemed like a nice dude, again easy on the eyes, seemingly intelligent conversation so we ended up swapping phone numbers for convenience. It was then that the fragmented texts started. Just random shit like
” Beakers jetty Friday after work” I responded with “Are you telling me that is what you are doing or are you inviting me? No response, nada, zilch, nothing!! A couple of hours later I got a message ” you get a train, I get a train we meet in the city” So I said ” you want to meet in the city for coffee” Again, no response. These random type texts continued for a day or two so I sent him a message saying I did not feel we had a connection and I wished him the very best of luck. OMFG this triggered the crazy in him to really come up, he went from saying its all good and he understood to just random out of the blue texts like ” do you wear stockings and suspenders with a shaved pussy, can I lick your slick pussy”
I mean really dude, what the fuck!! I told him he was a crackpot and to lose my number, he has yet to do so but I have stopped responding, eventually he will believe his number has been blocked. I have not bothered to actually block his number because I found out that the messages still come to your phone they just go into a blocked folder and I have my own little brand of batshit crazy in that I CANNOT have unread messages, emails, app notifications etc on my phone EVER and knowing there may be unread messages in a blocked folder just messes with my OCD…..
Well I am sure that is not ALL the crazy nucking futs I am destined to meet while searching for my Mr Impossible but at the end of the day it is some good blog fodder and adds an interesting twist to my life!!!
Update with Mr No longer, I know right…..hahahaha!! Mr No longer would like to be a FWB and honestly the sex would make him a freaking awesome FWB but the situation has not changed I told him I am NOT looking for a FWB…..Besides, he checks off WAY too many of my boxes and has the potential to hurt me indirectly. I feel like I could easily fall and fall hard for him and he does not have the same feelings in regards to a “long term potential” with me so its much safer to be just friends!!….We are however going to Sexpo today and I have promised him there will be NO possibility of sex before, during or after!!
Meanwhile Mr Thursday is a different story. He has taken to calling me “sexy lingerie girl” We text on an inconsistent semi regular basis and while he is a super nice guy and we always have fun together he is safe because I easily recognize that while I really like him a lot there are things about him that preclude there being any possibility of long term. I mean I like him a lot and I am sure there is an emotional connection there but I do not see there ever being the possibility of falling “in” love with him so he is SAFE!!.
He invited me to go to Sydney with him for a weekend in September my initial response was to politely decline but then I thought about it and I realized seriously, what the fuck is holding me back?! I get the opportunity of an adventure with someone I like and respect with no ties, expectations or commitments!! He knows I am on the dating sites looking for my Mr impossible so I am figuring what the hell why not enjoy a mutually agreeable sexual relationship with him until my Mr impossible comes along.!! So it seems like I might have myself a FWB after all!!….Albeit one that is almost ALWAYS unavailable but still something is better than nothing right?!