Okay y’all so this blog post is probably one that I should not write when I am deep in pain but I am going to write it anyway and see if I end up posting it or not.
It might sounds like a bunch of nonsensical dribble and y’all might just want to skip this entire blog post “fair warning” because I am not going to censor myself and I am just going to let the words and the pain bleed through and hope it helps me like some kind of soothing balm!!
I feel totally and completely dispensable!! Like I am something that can be discarded when “no longer required” Sometimes to be picked up later on when a use is found for me after all or perhaps never to be picked up and used again!!
So what has prompted this post?.!!
Firstly “Thelma”…You remember my dear friend in the US that I had some amazing adventures with?! Well sometimes distance friendships are really hard to maintain and perhaps not worth the effort. Facebook posts and messages that have continually not been acknowledged or responded to have made me realize that perhaps this is one of those friendships that was supposed to be short term and not a “life time” friendship after all. It doesn’t mean it diminishes the friendship that we had. It just means I have to “let it go”
Next is “YoVillan” my Canadian friend…I know she has a lot going on in her life on a personal level and more than once she has expressed to me that she feels like I have all these fun and adventures and she is living her “quiet ordinary life” and she feels like she has nothing to contribute to our friendship which makes me sad because we had such a strong connection for the longest time…..But repeated attempts at contact and a promise of a phone call when I got home from Hawaii which never happened as well as unanswered messages have again left me realizing that this is perhaps another friendship that has outgrown itself and I have to “let it go”
Next up is “The Pink Panther” I thought we had a special connection, even though the relationship did not work out because of various barriers…Distance, The Captain, his kids, his shift work etc….I thought that we had developed a friendship that would continue beyond the sexual relationship but I guess I was wrong. Many unanswered messages and I realize that I have outlived my purpose in his life and am no longer required. Again another relationship over with and I have to “let it go”
Finally and the most painful is “The Captain” In what has ended up being probably the ultimate betrayal he has chosen to END the friendship that he promised me that we would always have. I am sure his decision did not come easy for him, at least I hope it was not an easy decision and that I was not THAT easily dispensed with. I wish I could say that I understand but I don’t.
It is quite a long story but the short version is he was incredibly drunk last night and he dropped a bombshell on me. In his drunken ramblings this is what he said to me about our situation in Hawaii.
“You wouldn’t have let go of me if I hadn’t of forced it a bit. You would have still been all tangled up emotionally with me. You needed me to be an ass you could let go of….”
I always suspected there was some element of that in his thought process when he did what he did in Hawaii and his actions certainly made it easier for me to let go of him as a “lover” But it was not without incredible pain.
We texted a little bit more about it but he was drunk and I realized that there was not going to be a lot of value in the conversation until the next day for him so I spent the next 7 – 8 hours churning all of that around in my head wondering how I could convey to him what that confession means to me. He did not text me later that evening (his morning) at his usual time and I waited patiently knowing that he went to bed drunk and would probably sleep late but after many hours of waiting I reached out to him. It seems that he was “too busy” to text me and then spent the next (6 hours) being “too busy” to talk to me. He knew that I wanted to talk to him about his drunken confession but he just told me several times he was “busy” no explanations….Now he does not have to account for his time, I am not his keeper but in the past he has always given me the courtesy and respect of saying things like “I am at work” “I am with blah blah” I am building shit” whatever but his time he just said several times “I am busy”
I was frustrated and annoyed and sent him quite a litany of messages letting him know how frustrated I was that he could not take 5 minutes from his “busy” to talk to me.
I was totally honest in expressing my feelings to him, something I have always had the freedom to do and something he has always acknowledged that I have the right to feel how I feel but I guess this time my honesty was too much for him and he has chosen to completely severe our friendship. He has deleted me from Facebook and terminated our friendship.
To say I am totally gutted would be an understatement. Despite the fact that we have had some rocky times “The Captain” has always been a person in my life that I felt I could trust and depend on for him to accept “ME” for who I am, batshit crazy quirks and all!!!
He promised me that we would be friends until one of us dies but he has broken that promise I am left feeling desolate and lost……!!!
And now I realize that while I have made all these changes in my life over the last 2 years in becoming the person I was always supposed to be nothing has really changed in my ability to handle friendships and relationships.
I know that I have mentioned this in my blog before so my apologies for repeating myself but here is the thing….There are somethings from your past where no matter what you do or no matter what changes you make the scars just run too deep and for me, those deep gut wrenching painful scars that I have not been able to erase have been my issues with rejection and acceptance.
I know that if I had been born today I would probably have a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum disorder….Perhaps if I had been diagnosed and received supports I would have gone down a very different path in my life. But despite my struggles, particularly with sensory issues and social skills I felt like in the last two years I have made incredible progress and perhaps became someone that people would want to know and want to spend time with…..But it turns out I have been fooling myself all along!!….
It is time for me to let these friendships go, Thelma, YoVillan, The Pink Panther and The Captain….As much as it pains me to “let them go” I cannot force myself into the lives of people who no longer want me in them.
So as I grieve them all I am left with the deep painful loss of friendships that I thought that I would have forever and an unanswered question that perhaps there is no answer…!!
What is it….Just what is it about me that makes me so easily dispensable?