I realized with recent events that I give people WAY too much power to hurt me and ultimately at the end of the day the ONLY person who can fix that is me!!
But honestly how the fuck does one go about taking back that power?! Wait, what the fuck am I talking about?! Taking BACK the power….They have always fucking had it…Everyone in my life that I have cared about and even some people I have not given a shit about have had the power….How the fuck do I take something BACK that I don’t think I have ever had?!
Bloody hell people, you can google till the fucking cows come home on “how to take back the power” and still be none the wiser. I love reading shit like this “The only way we can truly be happy is to realize that our thoughts, emotions, actions, and decisions are our responsibility and no one else’s.” Because ya know what?! It is fucking 100% the truth but how the fuck does a person get to that point?!
When I first started this journey I adopted a couple of mantra’s, one of them was DILLIGAF…. “Do I look like I give a fuck?!” and when it comes to ME being 100% ME, I really don’t! BUT even so, at the end of the day I think deep down, we all want validation, recognition and acceptance and because of that we give power to others!!
Soooooooo……While I cannot take BACK the power because I never fucking had it in the first place I can take AWAY the power!! One step at a time!!
I know the biggest thing for me is that I have so many situations in my life where it is clear that people have made a conscious choice not to have a relationship with me or include me in an event, remember stuff in this blog post about me being dispensable….Well there is other stuff that I did not even get to mention in that post included things like ignored Facebook requests that I sent to old school friends, finding out later about activities or dinners that I did not get invited to, friends who have chosen not to catch up with me since my return to Australia, My recent experience with Mr No longer where it was clear I was just a “fuck” and as recently as last week finding out I was not included in an out of hours work activity as well as missing out on the opportunity to meet a fellow blogger!! All of these things fuck with my head, I take them personally even though people may have a genuine reason for their decisions I still take them personally and I have GOT stop doing that shit….I HAVE to take away the power!!!……So!! I have no fucking clue where to start, but I am going to start….I know that it starts with a conscious decision and it starts with me so it would seem I am on the right track!!
Okay moving on I figure I should give you a little update!!
Firstly this is the last time I will mention “The Captain” in a blog. He commented on this blog and I have chosen not to post the comment, mostly because I do not want to spark any kind of debate, further comments or recourse so I figured it was easier not to post it, right or wrong of me I decided this is MY blog and I do what I want!!
We have resumed what I would hazard to say is a very tenuous friendship, it will never be like it was before, it will never be the friendship I imagined we would have. Too much damage was done.
As for “Him” I am incredibly confused and not sure what to do. We have a very strong connection, I enjoy his company and we have amazing fun every time we get together (which is often) but there are some “for want of a better word” issues.
Firstly he is just a couple of short months out of his 30 or so year marriage. I do not know if I am a rebound relationship for him or filling in a gap in his life which has been missing for quite a few years while his marriage was falling apart. He certainly fills a gap for me but I am looking for a relationship with mileage and I am not sure you can get that from a rebound relationship!!
Also we have an elephant in the room “Mr Thursday” I told “Him” all about
“Mr Thursday” and also told “Him” that we could not be intimate until “Mr Thursday” and I have finished which will not be until after Sydney. He seems okay with this and has said I am worth waiting for but we have gotten a little hot and heavy and if we continue it is only a matter of time before we lose control so I either have to accept that “him” and I are going to move to the next level WHILE I am still tangled with “Mr Thursday” OR I am going to have to pull back with “Him” and tell him we cannot continue messing around because pretty soon we WILL lose control!!
While my crazy messed up life seems to give me a lot of blog fodder sometimes I think it is just too fucking complicated and I need to find some way to simplify it!!
Well that’s all for now, I will let y’all know how I go with taking AWAY the power!!!