Okay well it is official!! I am totally fucking batshit crazy!!
I know right, I have been telling y’all this ALL along but it really truly is official now. I have achieved my badge of honor in batshit craziness!!
Let me tell y’all why I received my badge!!
Remember Vanilla kisses?! Well firstly let me tell you that I paid him the ultimate disrespect by breaking it off with him by text!!
I know, I know, I am such a fucking coward, I really am but ya see I always communicate better by the written word and I figured if I typed it all out by text and then we could talk about it….Well that is my excuse and I am sticking to it!! But really, how the fuck do you move onto a phone or in person conversation after you get a text from someone saying you do not think you are sexually compatible!!
From his responses to me I understood that he was confused and hurt, I also got that he had no interest in a phone call, he felt my messages were clear and there was nothing to discuss. Let me tell ya, I felt like an absolute shitheal!!! I never wanted to hurt him and while I felt like the sex was going to be a huge barrier for us it was difficult because there was SOOOOO much that I liked about him and hurting him made me feel really shitty so I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I had a rough couple of days, constantly checking my phone for texts from “him” then feeling a pit in my stomach when I realized he was not going to message me anymore. My inner bitch and I had some huge fights, she took up a lot of fucking real-estate in my head going on about me being a master sabotager and you know what?!! I really fucking am!!
So I got a message from “him” on Wednesday night, my phone notifications have been messed up for a couple of days and I missed the text but I noticed it when I was going to send a text to my Son on Thursday morning. It simply said that his phone was giving him grief telling him how long the drive was to my place.
I have to tell you I thought on that message for a couple of hours, I was not sure exactly how to respond but in the end I just felt the best thing to do was say sorry his phone did that to him!!.
We texted back and forth for a bit and in the end he told me to stop apologizing after I had done so for about the 5th time!!
I said that I would but that I felt awful, he said “why, you don’t owe me anything”
I said “I owe you courtesy and respect and I don’t think I gave that to you”
Some more text exchanges and we decided that perhaps we did need a face to face conversation and I was happy to do it, I was happy to give him the explanation that he deserved.
We arranged for him to come to my house Friday evening and talk over a wine and cheese platter. I would be lying through my fucking teeth if I did not tell you I was excited at the prospect of seeing him again. So I kinda sorta went all out and made a freaking smorgasbord of food!!
So let’s skip to the chase…After some wine and delicious food over idle chit chat we moved to the sofa to get into the nitty gritty of the it all!!
Y’all know that when I wrote about vanilla kisses I said there was no passion, no fire right!! It is true to a degree but in some of y’all’s comments you thought I should have given him a chance to get to know me and what I like and my stupid arse response was that I felt like it just wasn’t there?!!
Well I am a fucking idiot it!! Of course it was there or we would not have migrated to the bedroom!! I mean really!!! BEFORE we had sex while still messing around my fucking nether regions were on fire!! In my first blog about “him” I made several references about the electricity filling the air even on that first date!!
So you see…..It is fucking true!! I have my master apprenticeship in batshit fucking craziness!!! I earned my freaking badge of honor the hard way!! By hurting someone who really does have the potential to be my “Mr Impossible”
While it is totally true that the sex was orgasmically satisfying but VANILLA in so many ways it is also true that I did not tell him what I liked or wanted and he assumed with my past history and experiences that soft and gentle was what I needed!!
I ended up showing him my toy box and talking about my likes and preferences, I told him that while I do not need hard core BDSM I do need fire and passion and intensity and WALL sex, I told him I need WALL sex!!
So where are we now?!! Well I want to take it slow!! I know the fact that we had sex before Sydney did have an impact on this situation..!! I know I said I am a grown arse woman and can do what I like which is true but at the end of the day what I like is monogamy so having sex with “him” before I had ended it with “Mr Thursday” fucked with my head and I think that was a big factor in my driving “him” away!!
For now we are going to enjoy each others company and explore where this is going to take us. We have mutually agreed no sex (including playing) until after Sydney.
Oh…..And I have to change his name from “Vanilla kisses” because honestly from day one his kisses were electric and anything but Vanilla…I mean shit his kisses are what got us in the bedroom in the first place…….So for now, until I know……We are back to “him”!!….Because as improbable as it may seem….he may well be my “Mr Impossible”!!