Oh fuck I tried, I really did try but I realized after playing with Vanilla kisses on Wednesday night and the transaction being incomplete that I could not keep denying that part of myself!!
I know…I can hear you asking “what the fuck are you talking about Jad?” Well let me explain!!
I need heat….And fire…And passion…And wall sex….Damn it all!! I need “I can’t rip your fucking clothes of faster enough wall sex!!”….And I just did not get that with Vanilla kisses!! Our sex was…..Well, Vanilla!!
There have been quite a few times where we have not had intercourse during our playtime mostly because of his functional capabilities and I thought that I could live with that, I mean it is not like I did not have plenty of orgasms with fingers and tongue but at the end of the day it is not enough!! I mean shit I can give myself plenty of orgasms with dependable BoB but I need more than that!! I need heat and fire and rip my fucking clothes of passion!!
The most shittiest thing about this situation is that Vanilla kisses is a REALLY nice guy!! He is tender and generous and loving and personable and very easy to get along with!! But at the end of the day even outside of the bedroom he is Vanilla!! He called himself staid and if truth be told he kind of is!!
So last night we talked, in my usual “I don’t know when to shut my fucking mouth” honest self… I told him my fears and feelings. I explained to him as best as I could that my fear is one day our “Vanilla sex” is not going to be enough for me and without saying the words we both knew it was the beginning of goodbye.
We spent the night together, naked and fitful…Neither of us sleeping much. Occasionally reaching for each other during the night just for some soft tender touch and then this morning we hugged and cried and said goodbye!
Today is the day I was supposed to be going to Sydney with “Mr Thursday” but I had cancelled it a couple of weeks ago. I am not sad and do not regret cancelling my Sydney trip because it was and still is the right thing to do but for fucks sake the universe has some weird fucking timing!!
Anyway, that is where I am at!! I am going to take a break from the dating sites for a bit and regroup. I honestly do not believe my Mr Impossible is out there. I mean for fucks sake most woman at my tender age of batshit crazy 52 seem to be over the whole sex malarkey and I wonder when the fuck will it not be so important to me…..But I have to recognize that it IS important and nature is a cruel fucking beast because a lot of men in my age group no longer have the capabilities to fuck like monkeys..!! Maybe I need to start looking for a toy boy!!…..hmmmmm nah, that is not the answer either!!
For now I am going to take a breather and spend time with family. I am incredibly excited about having a “mommy daughter” weekend with my super awesome daughter!!
I know I don’t talk about my kids much but fucking hell I won the lottery when it comes to them. Despite the fact that growing up they had two shitty parents they are fucking amazing young adults and I am so proud of them….. And seriously if someone said to me how about spending an entire weekend with your Mum (as much as I love my Mum) I would be like fucking hell NO!!!
I feel incredibly blessed that when my daughter has a weekend to herself, a break from her kids, she has chosen to spend that weekend with me!!