I was supposed to climb a mountain yesterday!! I mean literally climb a fucking mountain…But after saying goodbye to Vanilla kisses I did not feel like doing anything except being curled up on my sofa in my jammies.
I thought about dragging my arse up and still going to the mountain alone for about ummm 3 seconds at 3 separate times but each time I thought ” um no”!
Then I got a text from “Vanilla Kisses” “I’m sorry, I’ve just read part of your blogs”
FUCK fuck FUCK!! how did he find it?
I guess how he found it is irrelevant but he did. I had told him previously that I wrote a blog and asked him not to go searching for it until I was ready and he said he wouldn’t but I guess it is only natural after what happened for him to want know more?! I mean let’s be honest, nobody wants to hear that someone is breaking it off with them because of “sexual incompatibility”
We texted back and forth a bit and then he texted me photos of “the mountain” Double triple fuckity fuck!! He was still doing MY bucket list item!!
I was completely taken aback, this was MY thing, something that I have been wanting to do since I got home to Australia and now he was doing it….Without me!!
I decided fuck it!! If he can do it alone so can I!! I sent him a text that I was heading to the mountain and that maybe I would meet him when he was on his way down. What followed were several texts and phone calls where he was trying to convince me that it was too hard…..Wait…stop…Y’all don’t want a play by play word for word scenario, let me cut a LONG story short!!
I drove to the top of the mountain, started walking down, met him on the path and we walked back up to the top, rested then walked down all the while talking, holding hands, kissing….I know right!! I am such a shitty bitch!!
I mean really, where the fuck do I get off breaking this guys heart and then walk down a mountain with him kissing and holding hands!! But that’s not all…. I invited him to have dinner with me….I really fucking did!! BUT WAIT!! It did not stop there….I then invited him back my house to “make love to me”……..Seriously…I am off my fucking rocker “batshit crazy”
Ya know all the while I was asking to him to do these things with me I was apologizing because I knew it was SO shitty of me to ask him given the situation but he said he has the option to say no and he did not want to.!!
So what I want to know now is where the fuck did all this glitter come from!!! I mean seriously his kisses were electric, it was like I was fucking starving for them, there was passion, there was fire, there was electricity….There was fucking glitter ALL over my bedroom!!!
So where am I now? Well we talked a lot on the mountain about a lot of things including my thoughts on how people are not always open about things related to sex and about how men place too much ego in their penis. I mean seriously……The suck arsed universe is a mean and twisted bitch and she thinks it is fucking hilarious for a lot of women to reach their sexual peak in their late 40s early 50s and for “many” men to experience erectile dysfunction usually beginning in their early 50s….That is some fucked up bullshit!! But if people were more open and talked about it and if men were not so wrapped up in their ego’s about their penis it just might be a little fucking easier!!
It has been just under 10 hours since Vanilla Kisses threw glitter all over my bed…..figuratively not literally…I mean shit if I really threw glitter on my bed I would never get that shit cleaned up!!
Anyway I digress, it has been 10 hours and I have done a lot of thinking…One of things that bothered me a LOT was the thought that if I was trying to change a person then it was not the right relationship…. but I realized this is bullshit…..Vanilla kisses was married to the same woman experiencing the same vanilla life for the last 30 years…If I show him and teach him and let him get a taste of chocolate sauce, syrup and glitter I am not trying to change him, I am gifting him with experiences!!!
His kisses have always been electric from day one, and we have always had connection, chemistry and attraction. Last night was evident that we can also create passion and fire and fucking glitter bombs!!!…..But will it be enough?
Any relationship that you go into carries risks and to be totally fucking honest how often does someone go into a relationship knowing upfront exactly WHAT the risk is?
I am willing to be open with Vanilla kisses, teach him what I want and need. There are ways around erectile dysfunction and if he is willing to openly discuss these without his ego getting in the way then maybe…just maybe this can work!!
It has always been important to me on my journey to be very aware of how my actions can affect other peoples self esteem and to “do no harm” I thought it was better to break it off now rather than risk having to do it later but……As he said to me, he is a grown arsed man and he makes his own decisions…. He feels like I am worth the risk!!
We are going to continue on with our relationship “eyes wide open” He knows some of my needs sexually, he will get to know more of them as he continues to read my blog.!!!
I was going to change his name but you know what, I actually like Vanilla kisses!! They are electric!!